13042025

 two years.

3 days after our 2nd anniversary. 

happy 2 years to the other half of my life.

to my luwis, my mahal

wala pa ako masabi ngayon kundi mahal na mahal kita. mas lalo lang kitang minamahal habang tumatagal. dito ka lang sa akin, i'll love you habang buhay.

02282025

 hi. 

everything's starting to fall apart. again. i don't know where to start. i just feel scared. i feel sad. like i always am. i don't know if i should be okay. i am lost. again. the nikki who's strong, has a lot of courage, and confidence. the nikki who knows her worth. she's almost gone. again. i am losing myself. i know what i want and need.

am i really a bad partner? alam ko sobrang hirap kong i-handle. alam kong i get different moods, like every hour it changes. i am trying. i am trying not to be controlling bcs i know it's bad. but sometimes, i just really don't want things to go out of place. i care too much that i tend to control. i don't want to be hurt again that i tend to control.

pagod na rin ako. pagod na ako that i cant be needy, weak, and sad. pagod na ako to receive hate and curses. sa lahat, sya lang ang naka-trato sa akin. someone who even wished me dead. really? i am that bad?

can everything just stop and restart? or can i just really die? i don't want to live a life this miserable anymore. the only reason i am keeping myself alive is the future im dreaming of which is also again starting to fall apart.

i am back again in a state where i am at my weakest, and even myself can't back me up anymore. i have nobody. friends- wala. boyfriend- wala. family- wala. sarili ko- wala. fuck this life. if there's one thing he's right, that's prolly not just one but everything. 

ayoko na, lord. sukong-suko na ako sa buhay ko. can u just make my life shorter? please. 

02022025

ayon, nag-reklamo ang abunjing at isa pa lang raw nagagawa ko sa kanya

well, gagawa naman kasi talaga ako ng entry ngayon hahahaha kaso nakakatawa nung binasa ko past blogs ko

so eto na nga, wala lang mag-eentry ako kasi bumabalik na naman ako sa dati. dating over pa sa over thinker. anxious na naman sa lahat ng bagay.

pero bago lahat ng yan, gawan ko muna ng para sa bonak na ito hahaha ano pa ba masasabi ko sayo? alam mo ba, halos araw-araw akong naiiyak kasi sobrang miss na kita, ung dating tayo. lagi ko naman na sinasabi. sa totoo lang, gusto ko nang itanong sayo kung masaya ka pa hahahahaha or kung gaano mo pa ako ka-mahal kasi pabawas na pagmamahal at atensyon ung nakikita ko. ang sakit kapag kinakaya mong isakripisyo ung satin kasi kampante ka na nandito lang ako. which the old luwi would never do that. my luwis always prefers to be with me. kahit 30 mins lunch ko noon idadayo lang makasama lang ako. my luwis will always be patient and understanding to calm me down. my luwis was always reassuring that i am loved. my luwis's priority was me next to his family. that's why i have loved him this much. this much that i surrendered everything. ung worries and fear ko na maiwan ulit, natanggal ni luwis because of how much he loves me.

but, people change. you're not the luwis i loved. but. i am still here. i am still your winona who loves you so much. your winona that will always look after you. that will remind you. that will take care of you.  that will support you. i will wait for you, my luwis. wag mo lang ako paghintayin ng sobrang tagal at baka maubos ako hahahaha. 

i know that i have tons of pagkukulang and mistakes sa'yo, and i am sincerely sorry for that. but together with my other promises, i promise you that all the wait to be together as we wish will be worth it. sasamahan kita sa lahat ng meets mo. backpack mode ako lagi hehe. 

sana kapag financially capable and stable na tayo, makapag-settle na tayo. oo, settle talaga kasi sabi ko nga sayo, ayoko na talaga ng iba. i'd rather go thru shits and away with you kesa mawala to. sa totoo lang mahal, gusto ko na. gustong-gusto ko na magpakasal kahit ngayon na hahahaha. not to pressure you dahil alam ko nga na financially di pa tayo stable. pero i can't really wait na officially mag-asawa na tayo. do all the things we want together without worries and limits. na-iimagine ko na na ikaw ang una at huli kong makikita sa pag gising at pagtulog. ikaw ba? na-eexcite ka ba? parang hindi na eh, pag tinatawag kitang asawa ko, di mo na ako sinasagot hahahaha.

sana kapag nag-aaway tayo, wala sa isip natin ung hiwalay.

ayoko na ng hiwalay na naman. we away, we solve, we fix, we okay, we lablab. ganon lang. no and never option ang hiwalay.

hmmm, ano pa ba

sa mga rants and reklamo mo sakin, i am sorry. but i just want you to know na sobrang proud ako sayo. at sobrang gusto kong nakikita kang masaya. kita mo naman, nauuna pa ako mag-post ng achievement mo sa sobrang proud at saya ko para sayo. sana nakikita mo.

ung mga reklamo mo na nagagalit ako, di ko naman trip lang magalit. nagagalit ako kasi nasasakripisyo mo tayo at ung sarili mo. nagagalit ako kasi gusto ko mag-pahinga ka na. inaalagaan kita alam mo yan. pero sana alagaan at alalahin mo rin sarili mo. ayoko ngang gagastos tayo sa ospital dahil sa sakit diba?! 

tas ung reklamo mo rin sa controlling accs mo chenes, wala naman problema kung di ko nakakaramdam ng kakaiba. sana before you act rin lalo na sa mga kaibigan mong babae, sana isipin mo muna kung masasaktan ba ako or hindi. kasi ako ung partner mo, sakin ka lang dapat attach ng sobra. alam kong aware ka sa limits mo, pero sana aware ka rin sa possible feelings ko. kasi dalawa tayo rito. hanggat maari lahat ng ginagawa ko iniisip muna kita. kung di ka ba masasaktan. kung okay lang ba sayo. kasi ganon kita nirerespeto at ganon ka ka-importante. partner kita, syempre mahalaga ung mararamdaman mo above anything else kahit sino pa yan. nakaka-baba rin kasi ng confidence sakin. to the point na naawa na ako sa sarili ko. oo ganon na ka-baba. hays sad. sana make other women jealous of me, not make me jealous of other women.

ang haba na neto mahal potek inaantok na tuloy ako kahit sa pag-ttype. wala na ko energy magtype pa ng sarili kong rants sa buhay. 

hanggang dito muna. 

dito ka lang sakin. dito ka lang.

wag ka mawawala.

mahal kita, luwis.

pakasal na tayo hahahahahaha

12092023

 hey, blog! it's almost been a year since I wrote.

and, a lot has happened.

to give a pov today, I just want to tell the world I am genuinely happy.

to start with, after the last blog I made, it was the months of myself. I had time to free myself from commitments and breathe as I could for myself. you know, I thought that I could ever be like that. but now, I was so happy during that season. I learned to love and value myself.

i am proud to have made it through the pain.

as days passed, it was not my priority to commit again. fling, yes. relationship, no.  I knew I was not ready.

but, a twist had happened. 

louis came into my life. unexpectedly.

to tell our story, I have known about him since December 2022 but informally. I did not even like him upon visiting his profile. 

fast forward, February 9th. the day. it was not part of the plan for him to come over. it was a last 2 hours decision. so normally ofc, I did not expect anything.

however, upon seeing him steps away, he was shining. I was not even able to look at him afterward. dinner, minutes had passed, and we had not interacted. but he initiated. kilig. how he wants to catch up on how much I drank. and even set aside how i want my samg be cooked. 

first impression, i knew that he knows how to make a girl fall. and i did.

but, the point is, he came when i was not looking for love. and as i thought that i would never feel "love" again, i felt it, without holding back from the past.

he's a risk. 

he knows how to play. while I am scared of getting torn again.

yet, he's a risk i am willing to take. i don't know why i am so vulnerable. i always choose to give love, kindness, and patience. 

i hope, he will not leave me. he will not unlove me. he will be true to his words. and, i pray he'll be the last. 

words are not enough how much i love him and thankful for him.

my louis. i love you.

20221025

 Hi!

I miss you. Sobra.

Ikaw pa rin.

Ikaw palagi.

At mukhang ikaw talaga buong buhay ko.

220611

Long time no publish, blog!

How am I lately? Well, probably one of the worst days of my life. 

My biggest fear has come.

As before writing this, I thought, that there are so many things I could be scared of in my life. But not as of this fear where I feel like I'll be standing on my own.

It's easy to fight battles or war when you know there's somebody with you.

Yet, that somebody is now unsure to stay.

It breaks my heart once again as to it is a reality, not only a hunch.

Others may say that, it is only mature to allow growth.

Yes it is. 

But. That growth seems to take us apart.

I hope I am wrong.

I pray for winning this through.

Sounds immature, but I am not ready to let go.

I want to be someone to be with through all this.

Because that's what I love is.

I believe from the love I have in my heart.

And this belief will pass through time, as I am prepared to swear a lifetime and beyond.

I hope a way back to me will show.

I hope the look in the eyes will still shine.

I hope for the feeling of love and certainty to last.

This would be a rough road but this too shall pass.

All the pain and joy through this years shall be best.

Monday 13:44 Feb 15, 2021

henlo blog!

gusto ko lang ishare ang rants and stress ko.

gusto ko lang naman magpahinga, gumising nang walang iniintindi. 

hindi nauubos ang laman ng utak ko- from acads and work.

i know naman na this is part of life. pero sobrang inuubos ako ng acads and work.

hindi ko na alam paano ko ihhandle ung sarili ko. alam kong nawawalan ako ng oras sa jowa ko- i feel so sorry about that.

everyday gusto ko nalang isurrender lahat, ung point na wala na ako pake sa acads and work basta ok ako. hindi ko alam if tama ung thought na yon. 

argh screaming for help. pagod na pagod na ako.